Sunday, March 22, 2009

Girls Don't Like Boys, Grils Like Cars and Money,,,,

Wow, I have never had a blank like this before. I started writing about why movie theatres are sweet...deleted that, started again writing about why i hated those boots that girls wear....deleted that as well. I realized that the people don't want to read about what I think is cool or my opinion on popular fashion, they want hardcore controversy and poems. They want rockin alliteration and syntax being used to its highest potential. I know you, I know what the people want, and I am the only one in this business willing to give the people what they want. Which brings me to my topic for today's blog, girls. The decade long problem that guys have run into is, what do women want. But my time at college has found that girl's are just as lost on that question as guys are.... what do women want.....naw i'm kidding, there question is WHAT DO MEN WANT. For this reason I have compiled a list of things that ALL guys want. Trust me, this is not a list I compiled on my own. After extensive research, these are the things that men want.
1. They want to play bocce ball ALL THE TIME (if you don't know what bocce ball is, you better wikipedia it, and buy a set as quickly as possible).
2. Any date they go on, they just want to eat at arby's. ANY DATE. Date= arby's = love
3. They want to be called names like weiner, lame face, gay boy, fag house, dusche bag, pretty much everytime you talk to them. In fact, they are waiting for it.
4. Any guy will fall in love with any girl, if that girl will go through the taco bell drive through and ask for a "butt load of fire sauce". This is no joke.
5. It would be nice if you would acknowedge when we pretend to accidentally flex. Especially for people like me who can only flex in 2 second spurts, its appreciative when it is noticed.
6. We appreciate the touching of our hair at any moment, any moment whatsoever. It doesn't matter where we are, please touch our hair.
7. We like to stare into eyes, we could do it for hours if you girls would let us. Let us do it for at least 30 minutes at a time.
8. We love accents, change them up every once in a while. For example: Latvian to congonese is great.
9. These are sports that are appreicated: tennis, running, wally ball, soccer, beach volleyball, crab walking.
10. We just want to be loved...

Please incorporate these suggestions into your life any way that you can. It will benefit both men and women, we will be able to live in harmony.

A poem about boys and girls
by Jona Ashcroft

Boys like girls' eyes
Boys like girls' hair
Boys like girls' chins
Boys like girls' arms
Boys like girls' dimples
Boys like girls' voices
Boys like when girls push them
Boys like to smell girls when they are not looking
Boys like it when girls pretend there voices do not squeek.
but girls don't like boys...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Lately I have been thinking of people I have wronged....I feel that there is a list that grows every so often, and I haven't done enough to manage it. I have people on this list from 1986(the year of my birth), 1993, 1995(you know who you are), parts of 1999(pre y2k, it was a crazy time for everyone), but the brunt of the apologies will come between the years of 2001-2005( yes, those are my high school years). I realize that this takes a lot of humility on my part, but I am issuing a statement to all those I feel I need to apologize to from high school.
Here is the list (all names have been changed due to privacy issues):
slippy, michael jordan, starfox, angelo, darcy, ken kesey, naploeon bonaparte, adolphus gustaves, michael mcclain, benny, D-money, toad, deron, Samuel L. Jackson, and Oluada Equino.
I apologize if I missed anybody!
The main purpose of this week's blog is to actually bring to light something I did when I was 14, and that I actually really regret.
We were having a youth activity ( that's why i regret it so much!) and we went to the driving range together. Some poor unlucky man probably in his mid 60's happened to be dirving next to myself and Tyler Wells. Trying to be funny and be apart of the teacher's quorum, I started casual saying stuff about this man; not to his face, but in the opposite direction. I unfortunately said things like "wow, i wish i had gay golf shoes on" and "wow, that's a great hawaii hat, i wish i was from hawaii". Now this next part is not exaggeratted at all, it is the complete truth. When he heard me say what i did, he said, " gay? I'll show him GAY (as he took a massive hack at his ball, hitting it not far at all). Then he grabbed his clubs and drove off in his truck screaming a racial slur at me out his window.....i'm debating writing it, no......i shouldn't. (yes, it was VERY funny at the time). On the surface I laughed, but deep down i felt HORRIBLE, and I STILL DO.
anyways, i know that my apologies were not the most sincere at the top, but this apology is very sincere. If i could take it back, I would! but i can't, so i just have to live with it.
To help me cope with it better, i will issue a formal apology in the form of a poem to my beloved racial friend.

Dear Friend
a poem in apology form by Jona Ashcroft

Dear friend
forgive me
I wronged you
that day i called you gay

Dear Friend
I forgive you
You were right,
when you stated i was mixed american

Dear friend,
can we not join together?
were we both in the wrong?
I look forward to an embrace

Dear friend
who cares that your gay
who cares i'm asain
golf will be our catalyst, and oh the fun we will have!

Dear Friend
If you could only hear me
If you could only see me
and know...that i am sorry