Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Calling all Stalkers!

I was trying to get this blog entry in before the new month, but you will just have to settle with an april entry. And what better way to celebrate the new month, spring, and the birth of a new season than to talk about desires. I'm not talking about just any desire, I'm talking about deep desires. Wants and needs, that you would do absolutely anything for......anything. Here is my only two deep desires:
a. I want to be like jesse from "Free Wiley" and have a killer whale jump over me with my hand up in the air
b. I want a stalker.

I cannot tell you how long I have wanted a stalker for. It's not like I can just go and tell everyone that I want a stalker, I know a thing or two about stalking, and i'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
Not based on knowledge that I have obtained, I will go through the steps of how a stalker picks their incumbant, and where I may be going wrong in the whole process (of obtaining a stalker that is.....I'm not a stalker......).
a. a stalker chooses someone from a familiar everyday part of their life such as the grocery store, the swimming pool, math class, or their brother's track meets.
b. Stalker does all in their power to find as much information on that person as they can by their own means. ie: phone book, google search, facebook, or ol' fashioned binoculers tactic
c. Stalker finds information through other sources close to them. ie: friends, family members, tennis instructors and so forth.
Let me share with you an example of putting your line out and seeing what happens:
"Alice, how bout that Jerry, wowza does he have a nice one-handed backhand or what?"
" uh, first off, who is Jerry, and who are you, and my name isn't even Alice..."
This is obviously a bad example because this person picked a random person that knew absolutely nothing about Jerry, and her name was not Alice as the person guessed.
d. Now that the stalker has as much information as humanly possible, they will fill in the cloudy unknowns with firm made up details.
Alexandra is from Memphis, lived their for 10 years before she moved to Idaho
Billy plays basketball, infact, he was the class Wyoming 2A State Champion tournament MVP in 2002
e. Last step, which can continue on as far as the law will let the person go, or further. Make every aspect of your life have something to do with your incumbant.
  • T-shirts, scarves, tattoos, hats, all with pictures of the person drawn or sketched on.
  • Hundreds of notebooks filled with his last name written over and over in front of your first name. Hailey Hamhagar, Hailey Hamhagar, Hailey Hamhagar, Hailey..
  • Life size models of the person erected out of whatchamacallit candy bars.
  • Excel spread sheets filled with the exact measurements of the person's body ligaments, and blink counts for hour encriments. arm: extended .2 inches in the year 2006, blinked a total of 43,413 times between 3 to 4 pm on December 11th.
okay. I have no idea where I fall out of this whole process. maybe step b. But all i know is that this is one of my desires, to have all this. So i plead with anyone that has thought about stalking, or wants to begin, I want you to know that...i welcome you.
and who knows, maybe you are already here, and you're just really good. I plead with you that you just let me know you're there. Maybe a stray slip every once in a while, that's all i ask.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Girls Don't Like Boys, Grils Like Cars and Money,,,,

Wow, I have never had a blank like this before. I started writing about why movie theatres are sweet...deleted that, started again writing about why i hated those boots that girls wear....deleted that as well. I realized that the people don't want to read about what I think is cool or my opinion on popular fashion, they want hardcore controversy and poems. They want rockin alliteration and syntax being used to its highest potential. I know you, I know what the people want, and I am the only one in this business willing to give the people what they want. Which brings me to my topic for today's blog, girls. The decade long problem that guys have run into is, what do women want. But my time at college has found that girl's are just as lost on that question as guys are.... what do women want.....naw i'm kidding, there question is WHAT DO MEN WANT. For this reason I have compiled a list of things that ALL guys want. Trust me, this is not a list I compiled on my own. After extensive research, these are the things that men want.
1. They want to play bocce ball ALL THE TIME (if you don't know what bocce ball is, you better wikipedia it, and buy a set as quickly as possible).
2. Any date they go on, they just want to eat at arby's. ANY DATE. Date= arby's = love
3. They want to be called names like weiner, lame face, gay boy, fag house, dusche bag, pretty much everytime you talk to them. In fact, they are waiting for it.
4. Any guy will fall in love with any girl, if that girl will go through the taco bell drive through and ask for a "butt load of fire sauce". This is no joke.
5. It would be nice if you would acknowedge when we pretend to accidentally flex. Especially for people like me who can only flex in 2 second spurts, its appreciative when it is noticed.
6. We appreciate the touching of our hair at any moment, any moment whatsoever. It doesn't matter where we are, please touch our hair.
7. We like to stare into eyes, we could do it for hours if you girls would let us. Let us do it for at least 30 minutes at a time.
8. We love accents, change them up every once in a while. For example: Latvian to congonese is great.
9. These are sports that are appreicated: tennis, running, wally ball, soccer, beach volleyball, crab walking.
10. We just want to be loved...

Please incorporate these suggestions into your life any way that you can. It will benefit both men and women, we will be able to live in harmony.

A poem about boys and girls
by Jona Ashcroft

Boys like girls' eyes
Boys like girls' hair
Boys like girls' chins
Boys like girls' arms
Boys like girls' dimples
Boys like girls' voices
Boys like when girls push them
Boys like to smell girls when they are not looking
Boys like it when girls pretend there voices do not squeek.
but girls don't like boys...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Lately I have been thinking of people I have wronged....I feel that there is a list that grows every so often, and I haven't done enough to manage it. I have people on this list from 1986(the year of my birth), 1993, 1995(you know who you are), parts of 1999(pre y2k, it was a crazy time for everyone), but the brunt of the apologies will come between the years of 2001-2005( yes, those are my high school years). I realize that this takes a lot of humility on my part, but I am issuing a statement to all those I feel I need to apologize to from high school.
Here is the list (all names have been changed due to privacy issues):
slippy, michael jordan, starfox, angelo, darcy, ken kesey, naploeon bonaparte, adolphus gustaves, michael mcclain, benny, D-money, toad, deron, Samuel L. Jackson, and Oluada Equino.
I apologize if I missed anybody!
The main purpose of this week's blog is to actually bring to light something I did when I was 14, and that I actually really regret.
We were having a youth activity ( that's why i regret it so much!) and we went to the driving range together. Some poor unlucky man probably in his mid 60's happened to be dirving next to myself and Tyler Wells. Trying to be funny and be apart of the teacher's quorum, I started casual saying stuff about this man; not to his face, but in the opposite direction. I unfortunately said things like "wow, i wish i had gay golf shoes on" and "wow, that's a great hawaii hat, i wish i was from hawaii". Now this next part is not exaggeratted at all, it is the complete truth. When he heard me say what i did, he said, " gay? I'll show him GAY (as he took a massive hack at his ball, hitting it not far at all). Then he grabbed his clubs and drove off in his truck screaming a racial slur at me out his window.....i'm debating writing it, no......i shouldn't. (yes, it was VERY funny at the time). On the surface I laughed, but deep down i felt HORRIBLE, and I STILL DO.
anyways, i know that my apologies were not the most sincere at the top, but this apology is very sincere. If i could take it back, I would! but i can't, so i just have to live with it.
To help me cope with it better, i will issue a formal apology in the form of a poem to my beloved racial friend.

Dear Friend
a poem in apology form by Jona Ashcroft

Dear friend
forgive me
I wronged you
that day i called you gay

Dear Friend
I forgive you
You were right,
when you stated i was mixed american

Dear friend,
can we not join together?
were we both in the wrong?
I look forward to an embrace

Dear friend
who cares that your gay
who cares i'm asain
golf will be our catalyst, and oh the fun we will have!

Dear Friend
If you could only hear me
If you could only see me
and know...that i am sorry

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

What's your name? Sub-par at best...

this is sort of a catchup blog. So the two people that probably read this blog will now have twice the excitement, twice the amount of tears, and twice the reason to think I'm lame.
This week I was thinking about cool names that people have, and consequences associated with their names. Someone that has a cool name will hear their name being said to them at least 4x the amount of a normal name, or even a sub-par name (i'm trying to think of an example, let's say....Mace, sub-par at best)
let me show you....

" Dendrigold, were you able to get a hold of Percy, Dendrigold? Dendrigold, you are so charming sometimes, Dendrigold. yes you are Dendrigold."

See! notice that because this person has an awesome name like Dendrigold, the name was said at least 4x the normal amount.
okay, now look at the same sentence with a different name.

"Walter, were you able to get a hold of Percy? Seriously, you're way lame. If I had it my way, you would die at sea. That's right, either de-hydration or shark attack. Never talk to me again."

I didn't think the experiment would work this well, but causality has been established from the results. Notice that the name Dendrigold was said 5 times, and Walter only once. My math my be off, but that is approximately 10 times more! I should also note that whoever was speaking to Dendrigold, was at least 5 times nicer to him than he was to Walter ( he had good reason though, who wants to talk to a Walter? not me). In conclusion, a name can go a long way. You will have more confidence and will be better liked by your peers.

Here's a poem, just because...

What if my girlfriend had a whip for an arm?
(dedicated to Tyler Owens)
a poem by Jona Ashcroft

What if my girlfriend had a whip for an arm?
How funny would that be?
Would it hurt me, or cause me harm?
Would I trip, and not be able to see?

What if my friend had a hammer for a foot?
Then would you be impressed?
Think of if he kicked you, man would that hurt (said in a british accent, so it rhymes)?
There would be nails everywhere, would he be obsessed?

What if your mom had a can opener hand?
Would anyone go hungry again?
Apricots, pumpkin filling, even cans that are banned?
You'd be her biggest fan?

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Nature the Beautiful

I must apologize, you would think that blogging would get easier, but it doesn't. This week's blog is a tribute to the great out-doors. I am about to scream something to nature, but you can re-insert any melodious phrase that celebrates nature, that you would like.

" NATURE, the BEAUTY that we behold is thee!"

Other phrases that might have worked as well are:
" ohhHHHHHHH NAAAATTUUREEE, naw naw naw, naw naw naw, NATURE!"
"nature can you hear me, listen to me, i love you, and i will love you forever"
"why do u treat me like this nature? giving and giving, and never taking.....why do u do that for me?"
"why do u always let that tree from the giving tree represent you? I elect a pronghorn to be your representative, so fluid and beautiful, nature and pronghorns are both elegant"

I think any nature tribute needs some sort of quote from the most famous nature movie of all time, FERN GULLY!

Zak: What happened to me? I'm... I'm three inches tall!
Crysta: I shrank you.
Zak: You what?
Crysta: It was the most amazing thing. 'Course, it's not what the spell was supposed to do, but Magi Lune can change you back to normal.
Zak: You... you shrank me?
Crysta: Yeah.
Batty Koda: Catches on quick, doesn't he?

Lovely Nature
A poem by Jona Ashcroft

the wind blows sweetly on my face
I choose you, over a pillow with lace
The water touches my nimble foot
I stand by the tree that will become a pile of soot

the leaves that fall nestle and tickle my nose
Soon there will be no where to land, for the prideful crows
the lily pad reflection shines from a distance
The once strong sunflower, cries from its loss of prominence

Nature nature, please don't cry
But don't look at my single tear
Will i be given the chance to say good bye?
blossom again, this will be your year

Monday, February 9, 2009

White man will come as the stars in the sky...

wow, my blog is a little late this week. If i had to rank myself as a "blogger" i would say i am moderate. which would convert to about a B on a conversion chart, or 5.67 if you are looking at a chart being converted from Japanese. Out of all the things I suddenly want to mention, the most important has to be that I watched "Dances with Wolves" on cable television the other day. Is there a better movie? I think not. I mention that I saw it, with a voice of warning to the two people that probably read this blog. Don't start watching it unless you are prepared to give 3 hours of your life to a story about love, tragedy, happiness, calamity, Native American aggression, and a profound respect for nature. I fell victim...(why did they have to kill two socks at the end, but because I took a film class last semester I have an answer; it was a symbolic meaning of the Indian way of life dying. I asked that question as a hypothetical question if you didn't catch on quickly). No poem this week, instead I'm going to give you a topic to ponder about the movie 'Dances with Wolves'.

What will become of "stands with a fist"?? Will she successfully integrate into society? Write your thoughts on paper and give it to someone you care about.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Complaints, and a red nose

well i am now partaking in my weekly blog writing, which i will still point out, is a burden...but i still do enjoy it to a reasonable point. I have been studying grammer for a couple hours so this blog will either be extremely primped to the likings of a writer, or it will be the complete opposite in spite. I'll admit that I'm trying to make it look as pretty as I can, but ill use the excuse of 'spite' just because I put it in as a defensive technique. Because I am in a complaining mood, i will take a few minutes to complain about things that have either been on my mind, or that will enter my mind as I begin the complaining process. I'm sick, the cardinals lost, people that talk while a professor is speaking/teaching, lamo girls, people that tap or kick the back of your chair, I've blown my nose like 30 times today, my finger is still broken, I get cold at night sometimes. There, I complained. I honestly thought I would be able to complain for a lot longer than that but once I started listing things, I could only think of how much i loved ibuprofen....weird.

Here's a poem just because...

My Nose is Red
a poem by Jona Ashcroft

My nose is red
that's what i said
my nose is red

My nose is red
It blows my head
my nose is red

My nose is red
Don't ruin my cred
my nose is red

My rose is red
My dad's name is ted
what a lame poem...