Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Calling all Stalkers!

I was trying to get this blog entry in before the new month, but you will just have to settle with an april entry. And what better way to celebrate the new month, spring, and the birth of a new season than to talk about desires. I'm not talking about just any desire, I'm talking about deep desires. Wants and needs, that you would do absolutely anything for......anything. Here is my only two deep desires:
a. I want to be like jesse from "Free Wiley" and have a killer whale jump over me with my hand up in the air
b. I want a stalker.

I cannot tell you how long I have wanted a stalker for. It's not like I can just go and tell everyone that I want a stalker, I know a thing or two about stalking, and i'm pretty sure that's not how it works.
Not based on knowledge that I have obtained, I will go through the steps of how a stalker picks their incumbant, and where I may be going wrong in the whole process (of obtaining a stalker that is.....I'm not a stalker......).
a. a stalker chooses someone from a familiar everyday part of their life such as the grocery store, the swimming pool, math class, or their brother's track meets.
b. Stalker does all in their power to find as much information on that person as they can by their own means. ie: phone book, google search, facebook, or ol' fashioned binoculers tactic
c. Stalker finds information through other sources close to them. ie: friends, family members, tennis instructors and so forth.
Let me share with you an example of putting your line out and seeing what happens:
"Alice, how bout that Jerry, wowza does he have a nice one-handed backhand or what?"
" uh, first off, who is Jerry, and who are you, and my name isn't even Alice..."
This is obviously a bad example because this person picked a random person that knew absolutely nothing about Jerry, and her name was not Alice as the person guessed.
d. Now that the stalker has as much information as humanly possible, they will fill in the cloudy unknowns with firm made up details.
Alexandra is from Memphis, lived their for 10 years before she moved to Idaho
Billy plays basketball, infact, he was the class Wyoming 2A State Champion tournament MVP in 2002
e. Last step, which can continue on as far as the law will let the person go, or further. Make every aspect of your life have something to do with your incumbant.
  • T-shirts, scarves, tattoos, hats, all with pictures of the person drawn or sketched on.
  • Hundreds of notebooks filled with his last name written over and over in front of your first name. Hailey Hamhagar, Hailey Hamhagar, Hailey Hamhagar, Hailey..
  • Life size models of the person erected out of whatchamacallit candy bars.
  • Excel spread sheets filled with the exact measurements of the person's body ligaments, and blink counts for hour encriments. arm: extended .2 inches in the year 2006, blinked a total of 43,413 times between 3 to 4 pm on December 11th.
okay. I have no idea where I fall out of this whole process. maybe step b. But all i know is that this is one of my desires, to have all this. So i plead with anyone that has thought about stalking, or wants to begin, I want you to know that...i welcome you.
and who knows, maybe you are already here, and you're just really good. I plead with you that you just let me know you're there. Maybe a stray slip every once in a while, that's all i ask.


  1. i read it. all of it. it wasnt as scary as i thought it would be but i now know a lot more about stalking someone than i thought that i would ever learn in my whole life.


  2. I am disappointed that there is not a poem with this post. That is all I wanted to say.